Big Wens’dee

13 Dec

It’s on.  Again.  This Wens’dee.  The Duel in the Pool.

Last year, with much less fanfare than you would think (especially considering one of their number is a digital media strategist and another founded an international sportstar agency) a self-confessed ragbag of legends, has-beens, could-a-beens and imposters lay down the gauntlet and dared to challenge a pod of Can Tooers to a 10 x 25m relay race.

They lost.

Remarkable.  Not just because some less well informed readers of this blog might very wrongly think that the average Can Tooer has less chance of getting to the end of a pool than Eric the Eel even with a bit of breast-stroking; but because while their description of themselves as a motley crew of swimmers who get together each month to swim, tell lies, eat burgers and drink beer may be factually accurate, it is preposterously modest.  Among their number are former Olympians, Commonwealth Games champs, Pan Pacs and State Reps.

Team spokesman Buck (aka Chopper) said ‘We left the handicapping to coach Jon Bell and the dastardly deed was done. As the Great Man ADV took the blocks he was informed the Can Too team had a 43 second headstart.  Yes folks – 43 seconds!  The Chopper Squad fought hard and we pegged them back at every turn with great swims from all.  But alas it was a bridge too far for anchorman Mean Machine Rench and the Can Tooers slipped in by a couple of body lengths!!’

‘This year’, says Buck, ‘we will be trying to avenge our defeat at the hands of the unscrupulous handicapper (Jon Bell) and dust the Can Too swimmers once and for all!’

Duel in the pool

Go Can Too!

So, who is this team of has beens?  What are the odds of a resurgence?  Is it worth a flutter?  What tactics are likely to come into play and what can the Can Tooers do to make sure this pack of upstarts is left begging for some more Monte St Angelo mercy again this Big Wens’dee?

On paper, they are Chris “Invisible” Allen, Peter “Apples” Appleyard, John “Batesy” Bates, Graeme “Big Brew” Brewer, Simon “Buck” Buckingham, Tim Collins, Andrew “Great Man” deVries, “Fast” Nick Pagent, Matthew “Rench” Renshaw, Donny “Burgundy” Richmond, “Filthy” Phil Vivian, Michael “Weeds” Weeding, Carl “Big C” Wilson and Rob “Woody” Woodhouse.

They boast variously (and absolutely not exhaustively) a silver in the 200m freestyle at the 1978 Commonwealth Games, a bronze in the 200m freestyle in the 1980 Olympics, a gold for the Commonwealth Games 4x100m freestyle relay and a gold Commonwealth Games 4×200 freestyle relay, Australian junior Ironman 1976 and 1977 (all Big Brew), gold in the 1986 Commonwealth Games 4x100m relay, gold in the 1990 Commonwealth Games 4x100m freestyle relay (Rench), bronze at the 1984 Los Angeles Olympics 400m individual relay (Woody), 6th at the 1988 Seoul Olympics 4 x100m medley relay and former Australian Open record in 50m backstroke (Big C), 3rd Cott to Rott relay 2012 (Apples, Collins and Filthy), an Australian Institute of Sport Biomechanics film star ‘Swimming techniques and stroke analysis’ (Great Man), 1st Maui Channel relay 2010 (Great Man and Buck), Top 10 World 2013 50m butterfly swimmers (Batesy), numerous overall and age group placings in ocean swims in NSW and elsewhere (Donny, Filthy, Weeds, Invisible) including beating Anna Torok (Fast) and Geoff Huegill (Filthy).

They say their money’s on Filthy as the architect of Can Too’s downfall this year.  They say that despite Collins not fessing up to his nickname last year, os.c calls him ‘Tombstone’ because he has a history of leaving people for dead (is that right Paul?).

'Tombstone' Tim - more hairy than scary

‘Tombstone’ Tim – more hairy than scary

We say:

You only did ok in the Maui Channel swim because you had a tiger shark in your team and Buck, despite telling your team last year ‘not to let that pack-o-pussies at Can Too intimidate yez’; afraid of being smashed again, you’ve fled under the guise of a ski holiday with your Can Too founding wife so that you are unavailable for selection.  Similarly Big Brew (and he’s just an overgrown Clovelly Cherub anyway) and Woody have relocated to Noosa and Scotland respectively not wanting to face the might of the orange army.  Your team selection is depleted and your gong waving propoganda ain’t gonna intimidate us.

What’s more, we’re ready for your dirty, desperate tactics.  We know that self-proclaimed ‘Slim’ Tim (well maybe in this company Tim) faced allegations of swimming over other competitors in the course of winning his age group swimming round wedding cake at Coogee one year and that the President of Freshie SLSC has reported tales of leg pulling, course cutting and general skulduggery at the recent Sunday morning surf series won by the so-called ‘Great Man’ ADV.

Donny - more Osmond than 'The Don'

Donny – more Osmond than ‘The Don’

Yeah.  We’re prepared to fight dirty too.  If only we knew where you Has Beens have been hiding out of an evening stillnox bonding session, we’d send Suzie round to pop something in your water.  So watch out!  We’ve got trained assassins in our pod as well as clinical psychologists, former Waratah front row players and a heap of brownie proficiency badges to our names.

We’re mentally prepared for a closer shave than last year.  We know that you realise the misplaced arrogance of assuming victory was yours without a shave down.  We get the ignominy of looking more like the Village People than the Mean Machine at the pool and what a drag it was on your performance.

Duel VP3 Duel VP2 Duel VP1


Just as you obsess about all over depilation, we are prepared to embrace our Neanderthal and may be celebrating with orange oxters to put you off your game, seeing if FINA is as adverse as the IRB to us dying our hair orange and changing our names to Orange Power.  Either way, Captain Cook says she’s gonna make sure that the partisan crowd has more orange gear than the ARU handed out yellow stuff in the 2009 Lions tour.

Exposed. Rench's ulterior motivation.

Exposed. Rench’s ulterior motivation.

Duel oxters

Go Can Too!

We’re not fooled into thinking that Rench’s appearance this season on the Can Too coaching team for fast lanes 1 and 2 is anything other than a thinly disguised attempt for him to sabotage our technique and hand strategic information to team architect Filthy.

We know from the comment on the sponsor’s page that Woody has set Weeds up to swim naked in an effort to reduce drag and sabotage the Can Too laydees (a la Two Laps ).  We’ve already reminded Jon Bell of FINA rule GR19 ref good taste and modesty.

Our prediction – a bunch of crumbling has beens.  More dickie ticker than Aussie Ticker.  Will struggle to squeeze their ample girths into their vintage sluggos without offending FINA Rule 15.3 (non-transparency).  Dirty tricks or no, they’ll be looking at another dusting on Wens’dee and a night crying into their parmigiana at the Rag.

Why not come along readers!?  Lend us your support and sponsor a Can Tooer to victory (here’s mine if you’re not lucky enough to know a Can Tooer) or, perish the thought, send some financial commiseration to the old farts here.   Else, send us your top tips on tactics!  How can we be assured of our second victory over these audacious erstwhile aquatic superheroes?

Duel weep

Watch and weep from afar Buck!

2 Responses to “Big Wens’dee”

  1. Donny Richmond December 15, 2015 at 1:04 am #

    So much talk and so little game, be prepared for The Don this year!

    • lizziecantoo December 15, 2015 at 1:22 am #

      Looking forward to hearing you sing ‘Puppy Love’ in the pub Donny!

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